Grief and Battle

I can’t say that I never pictured myself going through this, this whole hellish cancer thing, because I think that it is every mother’s haunting fear. We’ve all had nightmares about our babies getting sick, about them fighting for their lives. Despite picturing myself going through it (my nightmares were much milder than the reality has been, btw), I still find myself waking up in shock that I am currently living it. My squishy, jolly, adorable little guy is hooked up to wires and tubes, as he sleeps off the trauma of getting his chemo shot (L-asparaginase). And the crazy part is,  none of that phases me anymore. We have spent the last 31 days in the hospital.

Oh my word.

I think a lot of people are concerned about how I am handling all of this... how I am doing, really doing.

I am tired, but, honestly, I am good. Not good in the sense that "everything's coming up roses," but good in the sense that daily I feel the Lord sustaining me, daily I feel the Lord knitting my little family together, and daily I see how He is growing me, changing me, breaking me into, honestly, a better, humbler, and more gentle woman.

People have asked about why I am not grieving more right now and I think it's because of a number of reasons.

1) We are over a month into this and are already adjusting to our new norm (talk about being immersed!). I still cry at times during quiet moments, but even those are fewer and far between. 

2) We are literally surrounded by sick, really sick kids all the time. Watts is a lot sicker than some but there are MANY who are sicker than him at any given time. Some even have the exact same diagnosis as Watts. It puts his leukemia journey (even scary Infant Leukemia) in perspective. 

3) Watts has leukemia and we are in battle against it right now. There is grief over the loss of the way we envisioned our life being like, grief over Watts' babyhood being spent in a hospital, and there is grief that there are a TON of questions in regards to the future... But it is a grieving what might have been, a grieving of having to let go of our plans and dreams for the next two years, and a grieving letting go of the facade that we can protect and control our kids. We ache that there is cancer in the world. It sucks. As does all broken things (sex trafficking, starving orphans, poverty). 

Long and short of it, I am grieving, processing, and feeling all of this, but I am sustained AND I am way more in battle-mode than grief-mode, because the battle is at hand! 

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I just learned on Facebook that an old childhood friend lost her 15 month old son unexpectedly yesterday. I feel deep racking sorrow for her and have images of our own ICU time flash through my head. What if we too had lost Watts? How close were we?

I know very little of true grief as I hold and nurse my son, chemo drugs coursing through his veins and, Lord willing, saving his little life. And I pray for my old childhood friend whose sorrow must be unbearable.

I just don't have words.