Tuesday, June 11, 2013

A mama's cry

My babies seem confused, angered even as I interact with them. Piper gives me the cold shoulder at bath time and asks for her Gigi (my mom) instead of me. She has gone from spending time with me almost 24/7 to seeing me in increments, like breakfast and play dates and bedtime.

Drawing Watts up close to my chest infuriates him, he fights me off, quieting down only when his papa takes him from me. I feel as if he views me as the one who has betrayed him... The one who pulled away the daily comfort of nursing, routine, and cuddling and thrust him into the world of wires, lights, and tubes. Oh my God, how this hurts!

I wept last night in anger and whispered the words that I've only thought once since this all started: This doesn't seem fair. [I also cried those words when he first started withdrawing from the fentanyl.]

I love, love, love that my babies love their papa and I think that it is so incredibly important for them to form secure attachments to him. After reading Craig Hill's book (The Ancient Paths) awhile back, I was reminded again of the importance of the father's role; that as children grow up, the mother's role needs to decrease (not in love and attention, of course), and the father's role becomes more and more vital as he is a key player to ushering sons and daughters into their masculinity and femininity.

But, even knowing that, I am still sad and am grieving what feels like having my "baby time" with Watts snatched away. And struggling to trust that Piper will adjust to all of this and still know that I love her even though our lives have been turned upside down.

I am thankful this morning for a God who does not turn away from me when I bring him my honesty, my heart cries. No, he delights in my heart and can take the full breadth of my emotions:

13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
alight up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13

And he is a God who understands the ache.


  1. You dont know me. But thank you for posting this. Every word rings true to me and my experience..every word. My son onnly wanted his dad while we were in the hospital and I too felt as though he must in some way feel that I hve should have stopped Leukemia from happening to him (once we were home, he wanted me again). Thank you for your honesty.

    Mary Anne

  2. Hannah, this breaks my heart. I am praying things improve soon. I am praying this verse for you today.

    It is The Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deut. 31:8

  3. Oh Hannah, this brings tears to my eyes. I can't imagine how hard that is. I'm so so very sorry. Thank you for letting us know how to specifically pray for yall. Love you!

  4. Oh Hannah, I'm heartbroken with you. Praying that Pipes & Watts will feel your steadfast love for them.


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