Sunday, July 28, 2013

Mouth sores and anxiety

I can feel the anxiety rising up in my throat, a warm flood of panic that wants to consume me. The day starts seeming impossible, the clouds seem to loom, and I can see no good, no blessings or gifts around me.

I've come to learn during this leukemia marathon that there are two times that I tend to always struggle with fear and anxiety: when I don't get sleep and when Watts is in pain. There are other times too, of course, but those are historically the worst for me. Once again that rings true...

Watts is having a hard time. The mucositis is throughout his mouth and, most likely, all the way down his GI tract. He is drooling out blood (because he can't swallow) and his breath reeks of rotting flesh. We are still home but monitoring him closely and will be readmitted if his pain worsens. I hate, hate, hate this. Throughout this whole process I've been trying to be fully-present and trying to find the beauty in it all, but this? This I would like to fast-forward. It is no, no good.

 I cried over Watts this morning as I was trying to get him down for a nap and I found myself directing my tears and anger towards the Lord. Why? Is it not enough that he has leukemia? Why does he have to feel like this? Are you even watching this? Do you not see this baby? I wept. And in the quiet of that moment, in the honesty of my rage, it struck me---He is weeping too. Both now for the boy that I love and in the past, for his own beaten, tortured son.

He knows the cry of my heart.


  1. No words ... I cry out to God tonight on your behalf!!! Today sounds like a day that would be better forgotten... I am sick over thinking of him in this pain & the unbearable, helpless pain you have to experience watching him go thru this... Praying right now... There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning... Love you Hannah

  2. My hope is built on nothing less
    Than Jesus Christ, my righteousness;
    I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
    But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
    On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
    All other ground is sinking sand,
    All other ground is sinking sand.
    When darkness veils His lovely face,
    I rest on His unchanging grace;
    In every high and stormy gale,
    My anchor holds within the veil.
    His oath, His covenant, His blood,
    Support me in the whelming flood;
    When all around my soul gives way,
    He then is all my hope and stay.
    When He shall come with trumpet sound,
    Oh, may I then in Him be found;
    In Him, my righteousness, alone,
    Faultless to stand before the throne.

    Dear sweet Hannah...praying.

  3. He is, indeed, acquainted with grief. May these hours pass quickly, our Savior by your side.

  4. I am keeping you constantly in my prayers. Thank you for sharing this, as we want to come along side you during these hard and dark times. We are covering you with prayer, covering you with Jesus Christ, clanking the armor on you, and holding up your arms and praying with and for you. Our Lord is also weeping with and for you too, sweet mama.

    I am praying for sleep, rest, and peace for you, so your body can get the rest it needs, so your mind and heart are stilled. And I am especially praying for precious little Watts, as his body is fighting, as he is aching and in pain, and that he has sweet moments of relief, peace, joy, and comfort. Maybe in the midst of this, he is blessed to see the angels that are beside him, and he is actually looking into Jesus' eyes and feeling His strong tender hands as he is aching and hurting. Christ IS with him, and I have heard stories of little ones seeing Jesus and seeing angels. May this be true for Watts.

    Sending love to you, Watts, Michael, and Piper.

    In His Grip,

  5. And I am crying with you! Prayers for all of you from here in Cambodia. I am thankfully resting in the belief that our great God, in His perfect wisdom and love, can bring you peace and comfort when nothing/nobody else can.

    Romans 8:31-39
    31 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32 He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? 33 Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
    35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,

    “For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

    37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

  6. I don't know you but I have been following your posts because Jennifer Mathena asked us to pray for you guys. I just thought I would tell you that I've been praying for your baby and even though I can't completely relate to what you're going thru, I can on some level as we had a baby that spent every two months in the hospital in her first three years of life because of a metobolic disorder. It was so hard and I can relate to your cry's of agony for your child. I am encouraged by your faith in God. I remember those days, crying out to God for answers and not feeling like He was really there. But He is and He (like you said above) is crying with you.

    Bless your heart and know that you are in our hearts and prayers today.

    Joyce Kvalvik
    Vancouver, WA

  7. Jeremiah 29:10-12. For I know the plans I have for your welfare, not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. I am thinking of your sweet baby and praying for you and your family.

  8. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

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