Fears

 I wrote this a couple days ago but forgot to post it.

Home. Home has been beautiful, and really hard. I knew that it was coming even before I left the hospital, this mishmash of emotions, this deep, deep happiness juxtaposed with the grief, this joy over being home curtailed by the stress over going back, there's a lot going on in this heart of mine. But that is nothing new, if you know me at all.

Every minute is full here. There are no quiet moments to stare at the clouds and ponder life, there are babies screaming and never sleeping (so it seems) and dishes to wash and stories to tell and snuggles that need to be given. And its so good and so hard because life looks like moving and never sitting down and trying to learn to trust when your heart feels weak and trying to not miss today because I'm worrying about tomorrow.

This morning I felt so weighty, so burdened with questions about the unknowns. It is a crazy thing to try and "plan" when there is nothing set in stone. The tears spill on laundry and the fears and sadness comes in waves. This is just so hard, this scary nomadic living, and I long for it to not be so and I feel my heart gripped by the what-ifs.

Dan Allender writes powerful words about fear:

To allow God to transform our fearfulness, we must first acknowledge our fears. This means resisting the impulse to act as if they weren't there, deadening our strong feelings through busyness in distracting activities... Second, we must struggle with our worry. This is in contrast to the philosophy that advocates, "simply trust Jesus and your worries will disappear." Once you acknowledge your fears, you're in for a real battle. It's only after struggle that you will experience lasting peace (see Psalm 131). Third, through Scripture and prayer, remember God's power and His marvelous acts of past help. Begin with Scripture, where we confront the astonishing nature of God. Time and again the Bible records God's works in history to save His people from incredible dangers. You might also remember testimonies that you have heard from friends or family. But most important, remember how God has worked over the years in your own life. He did it in the past; He can do it in the present. Then, finally, with the confidence that you have gained, move out into the world. At first, the process may be slow and painful. You may feel great pressure to retreat to a safe place where there is no hurt. But keep in mind that the safe places, those with no hurt, are also the places with no joy. The fear of the Lord overwhelms the fear of the world.

(The Cry of the Soul, pg 104).

I long for joy so I'm choosing to walk into the hurt too. And of this I know to be true, He has been faithful to me.

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After my "heavy" morning, the kids and I ventured out (with antibacterial wipes, mask, and ergo) and walked to the corner coffee shop, spent $7 on fancy coffee drinks and smoothies (Who am I? My old thrifty-coupon-clipping self was dying inside), and had a precious time playing games and talking. The clouds seem to always lift.