Friday, August 16, 2013

Faith and control.

 My kids are doing great, Watts is happier than he has been in months, and we are home. And yet, my heart is all out-of-sorts inside of me. I am struggling with trusting God, not with the big things, ironically, but with the small, everyday things. We are preparing to move and the logistics seem complicated and then the money... oh the silly thing that is just doesn't seem to work. A $3000 repair and no way to back-peddle out of it. Ridiculous co-pays on (life-giving) medications. A depleting Emergency Fund. There's more going out than coming in and, for a Dave Ramsey family, that is enough to break Michael and I out into cold sweats.

Honestly, though, I know this isn't really about money at all.

I trust God with Watts, with leukemia... at least, most of the time.
Why do I kick and scream to let go of the smaller things?

The smaller things are messier, I think. With cancer, I am out of control. I literally have no say whatsoever about the lurking leukemia cells in my son's body. I can curse, scream, and kick but to no avail. I simply have to follow doctor's orders and wait. With the smaller things in life, though, it isn't as black and white. I am suppose to actually work and do things, to be a responsible adult, a good steward, and "up with the sun".

I think that I let the responsibility get to my head and fool myself into thinking that I'm in control and lord over certain, smaller things in my life. Like money. Like schedules. Like what my kids eat. And slowly, ever so slowly, my hands are getting pried open. Goodness knows I have no control over my schedule anymore! And organic veggies and quinoa for dinner? I'm lucky if I can get my son to nibble on a peanut butter cracker. And, money, seductive money, its security and comfort is slipping away too.

It is all a gift, I know. This life, these kids, our health, our bank accounts...and it is all fleeting. I want to live more deeply, with a sweet peace and confidence in Him regardless of my son's health, my back account, my schedule. But, oh! It is hard to have things stripped away.

And when it is all gone, all stripped away, be it now or on my death bed (as everything ultimately is in the end), will I say, truly say that He is all I need? 

Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!

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