Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Tuesday and nerves.

We are still home.

Watts is happy and seems to be absolutely thriving with extra time away from Brenner, as we all are.

It seems to be a battlefield of the mind for me today, however, not give in to my waves of anxiety of him being off of treatment for so long. I rocked him to sleep for his nap after a playful, "normal" morning, and somewhere in between Jesus Loves Me and Edelweiss, I literally began to picture leukemia cells spreading through his little body, creeping out of dark corners and running amok, with no chemo army present to fight back. I stopped the rocker and begged out a silent prayer for peace. For freedom from fears. For the ability to love on my kiddos during this "break" in treatment and not squander the time with premature fears.

I hate treatment, hate the hospital stays, hate the side effects on our sweet boy, but being off of treatment is hard on my nerves too. What an upside down world I am living in that "normal" days bring about waves of anxiety! Hard days filled with side effects, sadly, feel more familiar.

I had an encouraging talk with another leukemia mama (thanks, Mandy!) a little while ago and feel like I can breathe again. We go tomorrow at 2:30pm to check his counts and, if his ANC is 750 or higher, he will be admitted on Thursday morning. If they aren't high enough, we will keep waiting.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
the Lord is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
The Lord will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
(Psalm 121, ESV)

[Disclaimer: the doctors are not worried about Watts and relapse at this point... this is only going through my own head...probably because I am reading too many other Infant ALL stories.]

We have been thoroughly enjoying:

Watching a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis.


Playing rock, paper, scissors...Pumpkin! [Piper's version of the game.]

Visiting with Dee before she leaves us for the Canadians;)

Decorating for autumn...even without having painted walls.

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