Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Upside down.

Cancer has left its mark on me. Some days I'm not sure which way is up and which is down. Simple things feel complicated and I can't seem to remember to brush my teeth. Or check my email. Or switch the laundry. I cry sometimes for no apparent reason but the truth is, there are a million reasons.

7 months in. 12ish weeks from maintenance. The online Infant ALL support group that I am a part of is inundated lately with stories of relapses, mostly during the maintenance phase of treatment. The statistics support this. It is sobering to say the least. Watts looks good, IS good, but the reality that this journey is far from over is always present in my mind.

Where's the balance of recognizing and acknowledging the reality of the situation and not living in fear of what the next year might bring? I don't know. I am trying to learn how to do life again when all of life feels different, when the future is unknown. The future has never been known to me, but now I am living daily in the awareness of how fragile life really is... And how quickly all of life can be turned upside down.

Don't get me wrong, some days I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude for the smallest of things and outpatient life feels almost blissful, but other days, a lot of days lately, I trudge the muck and mire and make it to the end of the day by the skin of my teeth.

PTSD issues from the past 7 months? Possibly. Exhaustion? 100% yes. Trying to figure out how to return to "normal life" when nothing is normal? Confusing as all get out. 


  1. Hi Hannah! I was reading up on your journey just now and had a quick question. I was hoping that you could email me back when you have a moment. I really appreciate it, thanks!

    - Cameron

  2. Hi! Sorry, just saw this... Feel free to email me if you have any questions: hannahvanpatter@gmail.com.


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