Monday, January 12, 2015

A rainy day.

[I (Hannah) wrote this a couple weeks and forgot to post it.]

The rain came down heavy this morning as I drove the familiar drive to Winston. Rainy drives on Hwy 40 always remind me of the very first drive, the one in the ambulance with me in the front seat and Watts in the back, being worked on by the paramedics. They would murmur words I couldn't hear to each other but would periodically quip to me that he was doing "just great". I didn't believe them. It was some of the hardest and longest minutes of my life when I couldn't see my son and I was alone in silence. And I didn't know that the worse was yet to come. I didn't know that he would begin to swell and that he would struggle for breath in the blur of the Brenner ICU, that his little 10 month old body would begin to go into septic shock and that I would have to fight to keep a hold of his hand because there would be so many doctors and nurses in the room. I didn't know all that then, or I might have broken in two.

It was actually sunny and beautiful that May day but I cried so hard that I keep remembering it as a dark and stormy day. Just like today.

Watts sang in the backseat as we drove to his appointment this morning. He bobbed his curly head of new hair to the music and pointed out trucks that we passed on the road. A heavy fog covered the downtown buildings of Winston and the rain pounded our windshield. And then, just as the tears started to come in my own eyes as my mind lingered on old memories, a small bird, perhaps a sparrow, broke through the clouds and swooped across my view. His eye is on the sparrow, I remembered, and I know He watches me. And I was reminded again in that moment of how He loves me and my little boy. Every step of this cancer journey I've known this truth with every fiber of my being.

We've come so far and yet we have so far to go. We are so happy with where Watts is and how is doing. He is developing right on track and has remained mostly healthy and out of the hospital since starting maintenance. But every day we watch him. Every day we think of cancer, we treat for cancer, we talk of cancer. We look for bruises, for lethargic behavior, for fevers... We hold our breath for labs and count down the days till treatment ends. And not in excitement but with dread. We hate the toxic chemo but also never want it to end. 

Oh Lord, this cancer journey reminds me of our earthly journey. Our time here on earth is strewed with brokenness and pain with glimmers of Your beauty and restoration in between; little glimpses of the sparrow breaking through the rain clouds. We ache for Your return, for You to make things ultimately and permanently new, and until then, we wait with baited breath. We wait in brokenness and in pain at times. We hope, O Lord, in things unseen. We rest in Your love demonstrated by the cross. We rest, O Lord, help us rest.

1 comment:

  1. This was beautiful Hannah. My heart needed these words and reminders. Love you.


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