Tuesday and nerves.

We are still home.

Watts is happy and seems to be absolutely thriving with extra time away from Brenner, as we all are.

It seems to be a battlefield of the mind for me today, however, not give in to my waves of anxiety of him being off of treatment for so long. I rocked him to sleep for his nap after a playful, "normal" morning, and somewhere in between Jesus Loves Me and Edelweiss, I literally began to picture leukemia cells spreading through his little body, creeping out of dark corners and running amok, with no chemo army present to fight back. I stopped the rocker and begged out a silent prayer for peace. For freedom from fears. For the ability to love on my kiddos during this "break" in treatment and not squander the time with premature fears.

I hate treatment, hate the hospital stays, hate the side effects on our sweet boy, but being off of treatment is hard on my nerves too. What an upside down world I am living in that "normal" days bring about waves of anxiety! Hard days filled with side effects, sadly, feel more familiar.

I had an encouraging talk with another leukemia mama (thanks, Mandy!) a little while ago and feel like I can breathe again. We go tomorrow at 2:30pm to check his counts and, if his ANC is 750 or higher, he will be admitted on Thursday morning. If they aren't high enough, we will keep waiting.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber.

4 Behold, he who keeps Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper;

the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

6 The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;

he will keep your life.

8 The Lord will keep

your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.

(Psalm 121, ESV)

[Disclaimer: the doctors are not worried about Watts and relapse at this point... this is only going through my own head...probably because I am reading too many other Infant ALL stories.]

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We have been thoroughly enjoying:

Watching a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis.

Painting.

Playing rock, paper, scissors...Pumpkin! [Piper's version of the game.]

Visiting with Dee before she leaves us for the Canadians;)

Decorating for autumn...even without having painted walls.